i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.