Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
