I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize