I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
