i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
