I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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