I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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