if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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