Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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