Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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