Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
