No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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