Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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