apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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