my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
