The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
