Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
