Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
