Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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