After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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