this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
