please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
