Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
