My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
