I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
