The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
