I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We have so much sex to catch up on
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
