remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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