He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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