its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
