Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
And then my night got REAL pukey
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
