I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
