Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
