i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
