i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
