I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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