Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
