Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
