She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Dick very happy bro
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
