As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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