Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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