I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
