Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
