Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You are a genius and a whore.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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