I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
