There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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