Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
We need a shit load of segways right now
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
