Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Did I show you my penis last night?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
