my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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