it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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