I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
