I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
