I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
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