this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
