what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
