Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
