2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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