so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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